I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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