did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize