nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
