Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
