Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
