Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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