My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
