the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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