stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
