my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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