The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
