Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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