I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
