Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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