I cannot find my penis.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
