I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
