I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
