Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
