apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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