your thong is hanging out like whoa
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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