I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
