My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
