i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
