So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
