I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
