my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
