I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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