Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
