if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
