I'm jealous of your bromance
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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