Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
