; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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