Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
