So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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