Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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