If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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