if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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