i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
