I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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