I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
