If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
