what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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