shes about as inviting as chlamydia
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
