I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
