I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
