So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
