Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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