Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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