My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
