so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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