So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize