FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
