you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
