I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
