sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
