There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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