# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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