Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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