I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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