My liver just broke up with me...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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