where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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